Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally, God Said, “Cool it! I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours and I will judge who does the better job.”
So Stan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused, They did spreadsheets, The wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mails. They sent out e-mails with attachments. They downloaded stuff. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course the power went out.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed out every known curse word in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
When the power finally returned and each of them restarted their computers Satan started screaming frantically. “It’s gone!! It’s all gone!! I lost everything I was working on when the power went out!”
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan stared in disbelief and became very irate. “Wait!! He cheated!! How did he do it?”
God just smiled and said…..
Wait for it…….
–I’ve learned that you can not make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
–I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, Some people are just assholes.
–I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof to destroy it.
–I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are screwed up than you think.
–I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you’d better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
–I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.
–I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
–I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be a lot of money to takes its place.
–I’ve learned the we don;t have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
–I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
–I’ve learned that the people you care about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
–I’ve learned to say Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke in 6 languages.
So pass this along to people you think will appreciate it. Maybe something good will happen.
If not…..tough shit homie! Lmao!!!
Fucking Brilliant!! Lmfao!!
Dang! A real fight at a taco shack gets caught on camera. It gets really gets good at about the :53 sec mark. Guy coming in wearing a #69 jersey gets owned with a shot to the head. Same guy that started the fight! Lol!
Awesome!! Satanic Nuns for the win!!
Not Ready for Prime Time: Harold Luken, 45, was arrested on April 8 in New York City near a Bank of America after his attempt to rob it failed badly. According to police, Luken walked in at 1:50 p.m. and announced that he had a gun and intended to rob the place — but then merely got in a line and said he would wait for a teller. When he finally got to the window (with police apparently on their way), Luken restated his intention and, as if narrating, announced the handing over of the robbery note. When the teller refused to respond, Luken asked to check the balance in his own account, but the teller again declined, provoking Luken to walk away and shout, “OK, I will go to Citibank (and) rob them instead!” He was arrested minutes later. [New York Post, 4-9-2011]